counterfactual manifesto

2009-05-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

ATTN: Mr Bill Gates SUBJECT: Mobile Suit

2009-02-25T14:29:00.000-08:00

My good friend Kaeleb Rocha over at Kaelebrocha.blogspot.com called me today and requested that I help him draft a letter to bill gates. This the actual letter as it was sent to Bill Gates. All Errors are intentional:

Dear Mr Gates i live in Richmond VA it is my dream to be the first mobile suit pilot but i am short on cash i cannot afford to buy this mobile suit because of the econimic crisis i lost my house i am now living with some family members and my dream of having a mobile suit has been dashed. it is my desire to use this mobile suit to help those who are less fortunate to uptain natural resources such as water and energy as well as safety against oppressive leaders and terrorism. I have included a hyperlink to a site where the mobile suit can be purchased i trust you will listen to your heart and do the right thing for the good of humanity

Sinceerely Kaeleb Rocha. http://www.Kaelebrocha.blogspot.com

http://www.cyberdyne.jp/english/index.html

This is an ANTI-ANTI FACT!!!!!1!1!

2009-01-22T01:27:00.000-08:00

I have a twitter. it's true... GrtTchrCory
That's my name don't wear it out the great teacher is back and class is in session. don't miss out on 140 characters of pure wisdom.

To get you in the mood...

2008-11-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

seriously.... awesome. and this...

The Economy

2008-11-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

I have been contemplating how to face down one of the greatest disasters of our time. I knew someone had to face down the economic implosion. I decided to fix this problem the only way I know how, with wit, humor, and something uniquely "cory."

Early this morning, I walked outside my door for the first time in a month and a half. It was risky leaving behind my canned goods and firewood, but I knew if anyone had a chance of saving the free market it was me. When I got outside I was both dismayed and disheartened. There was not a single zombie. I saw no starving children, actually, they were skateboarding. The worst and most horrifying discovery? People were already putting out Christmas lights, which could only mean one thing... MOST OF THE STREET STILL HAD ELECTRICITY!!!!!
(an image of CNN reporting live from wall street)

This made me particularly mad because I knew there was no way those two Chinese carpet salesmen were going to give me a refund on the high powered generator I purchased from them. I knew I should have been suspicious when they told me there was nothing wrong with my receipt; "It's just written in invisible ink!" they said.
(pictured above: myself bartering with the oriental rug salespeople for generator)

However, I knew that somewhere there were people in desperation. I knew that they must be in peril because obviously the economy is being eaten alive by a half human, half Ronald Reagan, zombie-overlord, who is bent on the destruction of the world. I loaded my shot gun and set out to do damage. I searched the entire country in a little under an hour by utilizing my ability to fly, but no political/figure/ceo/bankshareholder/demonic/zombie-figures emerged from the cornfields below.

But as I was soaring over our majestic nation I saw huge mansions. I also saw homeless, huddled in alleys, over pieces of burning newspaper. In a single moment I came to a fantastic realization.

Perhaps, the biggest problem is not something I can liquidate with a spread-shot but something I can combat with generosity. Even if my family looses their home, their next stop would not be the streets, it would just be another home. Economic crisis means not getting the newest video game console. With so much wealth floating around perhaps it is not that we are all so poor, but that we have a skewed concept of wealth. Maybe the greatest fix for a nation in economic turmoil is a season of giving. Millions of people have lost their jobs, but millions more have them. This holiday season, let us not make the mistake of hording love and generosity. I think it is time to stop waiting for a super powered shotgun wielding hero such as myself, or an historic presidential candidate who promised to save us. Let's do our best to best to save one another.http://www.feedthehungry.org/

It Ain't Rocket Science...

2008-10-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

copyright ERB inc 1927, used without permision
... But it was brain surgery!!! that was the order of the day approximately three months ago when I underwent a daring and cutting edge brain surgery to improve my chances with the ladies... Of course everyone knows the above picture is a gross departure from reality and that it is completely false; martian scientists are more of an apple-red and less of a brassy, orangey, crimson-red. This is merely an artist's rendering of the events which took place.

After careful research, I decided upon the perfect candidate for my experiment. Andy Dick was obviously the only choice. Women love a guy who can make them laugh. What better comedic genius to absorb than that of actor/comedian Andy Dick?
As you can clearly see from these two photos, the transition was an outstanding success. I accomplished my goal. I was now a self absorbed, self critical, comedic genius. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that there were several holes in my plan. I have no clue how I could have over looked such important details.

1. It is fairly obvious that Andy Dick is gay.
(I have nothing against gay people, but accounting for the goal of this surgery, to get ladies, makes it obvious that this is not going to work.)

2. Andy Dick is not that funny. (sorry Andy, but seriously)

3. Martians are great at making brain swaps... they are less great at swapping them back.

After many hours of painful surgery, I had come to a single conclusion: There was nothing wrong with my brain or my method of attracting members of the opposite sex. I just needed to relax, cool my jets, and learn to wait for the RIGHT person. The laws of attraction take care of everything else. Also, that switching brains with celebrities, no matter how B-listed they may be, is always a bad decision. They are not like you and I. Our brains just can not seem to comprehend in the same way. Perhaps, they are more like martian scientists...

my first act of fact

2008-09-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

This is me at my secret pentagon office shortly after covertly defeating the entire Russian occupancy and liberating Georgia and all of eastern Europe forever. Peace and Victory.This is a model of the gun I used. I value irony.

get your anti-facts straight!!!

2008-09-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Most folks blog to tell the world about themselves, their point of view, and way of life. I am here to do the opposite, well almost. I am going to show and tell you about my life, but not my real life. This is the life I want you to believe I am having. This blog is about the reality that I define and you will accept. The operative word is "will" I do have mind control powers. And that, my friends, is an anti-fact... or is it?